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Question:
I am not sexually active but my boyfriend has tried "fingering" me more than once. I was so mentally into it but I didn't cum or feel anything physically. My previous boyfriend couldn't get me to feel anything when he did it either, and I can't do it myself, even though I've tried multiple times. I'm scared to death I'm missing some organ or something and I'll never be able to enjoy this or sex or anything. My boyfriend won't let me give him a handjob because he says that would be selfish of him since I can't enjoy anything, which is sweet, but so depressing. I have tried running water from my bath faucet over that area and it felt pretty great, but I want HIM to be able to make me feel that way. Am I broken? Am I NEVER going to be able to enjoy that area of life? I'm all freaking out thinking maybe its just not physically possable for me. I'm so worried.
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Answer:
by Raven James: (12/04/2005)
Hello,
First let me tell you that what you are experiencing is very normal for young women. It can take some time to get to know your body sexually, expecially your sexual response cycle (how you become aroused to orgasm). If you are comfortable with your body, I can offer some suggestions that may help you explore this problem by yourself and with your partner.
First of all, many women do not experience "vaginal" orgams, so being "fingered" by your partner may not be stimulating you where you need it. The clitoris is the main pleasure source for female orgasm, and stimulating the clitoris, rather than the vagina, is usually where to start the exploration. If you have a hand held mirror, you can look at your genitals to locate your clitoris. Sit on a chair, or the floor, and hold the mirror in front of your vulva (the outer genitals). You will see the labia minora and the labia majora (the outer lips to the vagina - also called the vulva). If you use your fingers to spread your labia apart, you will notice a small nub of tissue directly above the vaginal opening, this is the clitoris. When you ran the bath water over yourself, you were stimulating this organ, and that is why you felt good, this is the organ that will respond to touch and help you to experience orgams. The clitoris is protected by some skin, called the clitoral hood, and is hidden unless the skin is pulled back. Now it is just a matter of experimenting with touch to see how you respond.
If you are comfortable, you can use a lubricant, such as KY jelly (water soluble lubricant), or baby oil (oil-based lubricants are ok, as long as they are not used with latex condoms, as the oil can break down the latex and cause them to break) to make the clitoral area slippery to touch.
The clitoris can be very sensistive to touch, and communicating to your partner how much pressure to use, or which side to touch you on is important, because if the pressure hurts, is not enough, or in the wrong area, you will not become aroused. Using your fingers, try varying the pressure and speed of your touch. Once you have an idea of how you respond, you can communicate it to your partner, and as you spend more time with each other, you will become more attuned to each other's responses. Once a female has an orgasm, the clitoris often bcomes hypersensitive to touch and you will want to stop the stimulation at that point.
Rest assured, you are not "broken" but very normal. Try these techniques to see how you respond, but remember to have patience with yourself. It sounds as if you have a caring partner, and this should help you relax a little bit. It may take awhile to figure your responses out, but it will be well worth it in the end. Good luck and write back if you have any other questions or concerns. Signed, Raven James Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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