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Question:
My main concern is for myself although my wife is the cause of my questions. My wife has CP and a history of being molested as a child. Her sex drive when we first met (before we were married) was to say the least intense. Although we never engaged in actual intercourse we played around a lot and I mean a lot. She could orgasm at the touch of a finger or tongue. In the last 5 years (we have been married 18 years now) many things have come about. The biggest and hardest for her to deal with was her being diagnosed as having CP. The second would be her having to have a hysterectomy. The third would be my having gastric bypass surgery and loosing almost 200 lbs. (Although I thought that this should make things better it didn't). My wife has almost no sex drive. If left up to her we can and have gone over 2 months without sex. Lately even when I initiate sex she doesn't seem interested like she used to. She seems to be putting up with it because she feels it is her duty to her husband. Let me tell you this is not what I am telling her or anything like that. I try to console her and make her feel better about the whole thing and it just ends up being a big fight. She says that that just isn't her and I have no right trying to change her. I admit that I have tried to get her to do things but, nothing sick or twisted just a little fun and adventurous like buying her very sexy lingerie, and I don't mean crotchless or thong panties just skimpy and transparent. During the few times that I have gotten through to her recently, I have given her long periods of foreplay and oral sex. When she does start to enjoy this she gets carried away and wants me to stimulate her anally. I do this and she goes absolutely wild with desire. Then the next time something comes up about our lack of sex she accuses me of sodomizing her and raping her with my fingers. She says that she just isn't like that and she doesn't feel sexual at all. My main question is how do I deal with this. I really love and care for her. I don't want to lose her. I just want to make love to her.
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Answer:
by Melissa BEE: (05/17/2004)
After reading through your letter, I get the impression that there are a lot of issues here between yourself and your wife, that go beyond the immediate issue of sexual unfulfillment. For many women, the attitude towards or away from sex may be an indicator of the 'health' or 'illness' within a relationship. Your letter indicates that sexually speaking, you feel it is all one-sided, and her participation is forced out of duty. Sexually speaking, your sex life needs some resuscitation. But a band-aid on the libido may not be the best thing.
Her decreasing enthusiasm (and the fighting) could stem from a double whammy of health issues, and a reflection of deeper lying problems, past abuse issues, problems within your relationship and what also sounds to me like fear of her own desires. With physical factors such as a dramatically changed body condition (for both of you) which affects self-esteem, debilitating illness (CP), and gynecological conditions (hysterectomy etc) all affecting her hormones and mood, as well as your expectations and changed image and the fallout from this, there may well be an intertwining of a multitude of other problems that need to be identified & professionally sorted out.
My recommendation is to pursue the skills of a qualified relationships or sex therapist, one who has expertise in dealing with couples. There are a number of intimacy issues that require this special sort of expertise. Sometimes couples just can't bring up certain issues with each other, but an uninvolved third party can make the process towards improving communication between the couple (by taking the pressure and blame away from both parties) and helping make the journey towards resolution or compromise a lot easier.
S/he may also recommend supportive treatment by medical doctor/s with such treatments as hormone replacement therapy (HRT) if they feel it is required.
If you live in the USA this link will take you to the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. This is a guide to where you can find a local therapist/counselor near you. They can be reached at P.O. Box 238; Mount Vernon, IA 52314; USA; Fax: 319-895-6203. If you live outside the states, your best bet may be the telephone book, or your local family doctor, or family planning clinic.
Best of luck to you, and thank you for visiting The Sexual Health Network.
Melissa BEE
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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