I'm not sure how to help you without an answer coming to your work under the sexualhealth.com address. Even if I were to write to you that I was "passing" on your question (e.g., declining to answer it), it would still come under the sexualhealth.com address. So, I am going to answer your question as best I can and hope for the best on your end as well. (Having never received an email from myself at sexualhealth.com, I'm not sure what you'll get on your end! It may just be a link to my web answer?)

In any case, I think the question you raise is a very provocative and interesting one. Both you and your wife should, in theory, have the right to equal amounts of pleasure and fun in bed. But neither of you, of course, should feel forced to do things you don't want to do. So how does one resolve it?

I will tell you here that as an unmarried woman, I am no expert on marriage myself. But you may think about how you have resolved similar problems in your marriage around non-sexual issues. What if she liked having the bed made and you didn't care that much and didn't like doing it? Would it be up to her to make it every day? Or would you acknowledge that even though it wasn't something you liked, you should compromise on it if it is important to her?

Of course, compromising around sex is more difficult than compromising around housework. It's more difficult for people to talk about sex, and of course it carries with it a certain weight of judgment and morality that make people defensive or nervous. And I can say it shouldn't be that way until I'm blue in the face, but it'll still be that way.

The way I see it, you have a few options available to you, and you're going to need to pick the one that seems most acceptable. You could keep your mouth closed and not say anything about it. This would mean the situation would probably never change. You'll have to weigh what that would mean for you. Increased frustration? Likelihood of cheating? Or just disappointment?

Second, you could try to talk to her about it. You don't indicate whether you've ever let her know how you feel. If you don't tell her what you want from her, she can't be expected to read your mind. If you do decide to talk to her, I would recommend a gentle approach. "Hey, honey, how about you give me head?" isn't going to win you any favors. You could introduce the idea as a way to spice up your love life, maybe saying you feel like you're both in a bit of a rut. You could ask her what she'd like you to do differently as well. Perhaps she'd like a romantic getaway, a massage or some pampering. Or maybe she wants to tie you up and tease you. Who knows if you don't ask? :) You could use the opportunity to share fantasies with one another in a safe and trusting way, and that may ignite some sparks that haven't been burning. Perhaps if you suggest a little food play (some edible lubricant, for example? be careful with ordinary household foods, especially on her, as the high sugar content can upset the natural state of the vagina...) she will be more open to the idea of oral sex. You also might suggest trying it in or immediately after a shower, in case she has any cleanliness concerns. (Also, if she is not comfortable swallowing your ejaculate, do your best to reassure her that you will warn her, and that you will still enjoy it either way. Then, warn her, and enjoy it.)

Another thing to keep in mind is that, when communicating about delicate situations, it is best to keep yourself calm and use "I language." Don't say, "You never go down on me and it's not fair!" That's very accusatory and will likely make her feel threatened. Instead, you might try saying, "I feel hurt when you aren't interested in oral sex with me."

If you take the second option, you may find that she still says no. It could be that she's just not comfortable with it and never will be. If that's the case, you'll need to decide what's more important to you--your marriage, or a blow job.

I hope this helps!

Blaise

Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team