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Question:
Hi, I am have been dating this guy for about 3 months now. I am 21 years old. I have had quite a few relationships in the past where I like a guy at first, and as soon as things start getting somewhat "serious", I tend to back away. I have never had sex. I had many relationships where the guy "pleasures" me (oral sex ect) but I have never done that to a guy. I don't even feel comfortable being "on top" of a guy when we are being intimate. I am quite familar with what I like, pleasure wise (through masturbation quite often ect), even though I can't imagine telling a guy what I really like. I just hope that they will figure it out. I think the guy I am going out with be shocked if I told him what I like b/c he probably doesn't think that know much about masturbating ect. Anyway, pleasing a guy is really hard for me, well I have never done it. I don't why, but I don't like feeling vulnerable, and I feel uncomfortable showing a lot of affection. Many people have told me, that I just haven't found the right guy. Every guy I have dated has treated me with total respect. (The guy I am dating is always doing thoughtful, sweet things. I don't know what is wrong with me. I tend to get annoyed with him easily, as I do with every guy that I have dated for a couple of months or more. Anyway is it that I haven't found the right guy? is it me? Any help would be appreciated.
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Answer:
by Sandra L. Caron: ()
I think you have described something that many people feel - and that is the need to have the right context in which to feel comfortable about being intimate - that is, they need to have a trusting relationship. This is something that takes time to build - so you are right to wait and realize that the context in which you relax and feel connection with someone has not been reached. I would encourage you to do some reading about love and relationships - perhaps a few books by Sol Gordon would be useful. Intimacy is something that takes time to develop. If you feel you need an unbiased person to talk to about this, maybe you could talk to a counselor - that is what they are there for. Best wishes! Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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