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Question:
My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and having sex for 4. Every time I get close to orgasm (usually I'm on top facing him to even get close), I feel the need to slow way down because the feelings get really intense and I can't seem to handle them. My husband doesn't handle this well either because it always makes him ejaculate and so I usually end not having an orgasm. Is there anything I can do to make it less uncomfortably intense and not have to slow down?
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Answer:
by Kelly Ace: (08/01/2007)
I’m not completely clear whether you are talking about intense physical or emotional feelings. So, I’ll try to answer in terms of both.
On a physical level, some women find that direct physical stimulation can quickly go from “ooh” to “ouch!” The female-on-top position often allows for a great deal of direct clitoral stimulation (which might explain why this tends to get you close to orgasm). If this is your experience, you might want to switch to another position as you get closer to orgasm – before the physical sensation becomes uncomfortable or distracting. While shifting position during sex sometimes feels awkward –or seems to interrupt the rhythm, it tends to get a lot easier as partners learn how to communicate their needs more easily.
On an emotional level, some women may feel overwhelmed by their feelings as they get closer to orgasm due to a variety of concerns. Some may have mixed feelings because orgasm makes them feel emotionally vulnerable or “out of control.” Mixed feelings about sexual pleasure may also figure into it – especially if a woman comes from a sex-negative family or culture. Some women worry about how they will look during orgasm, whether they will make noise, or do something not in keeping with their image of how they “should” be. Survivors of sexual abuse may also have conflicting feelings about orgasm and sexual pleasure.
I’d encourage you and your husband to talk about your sexual likes, dislikes, and concerns at a time other than when you are having sex. You mentioned that you sometimes feel that you must fake orgasm in order for your husband to feel adequate and happy. Unfortunately, this sort of coping strategy tends to backfire over time as the person faking orgasm becomes more resentful. They often hesitate to acknowledge their past faking, which can create some concerns about trust in the relationship (e.g., other partner asking, “If you weren’t honest about that, what else are you keeping from me?”). It can also lead the other partner to ask questions such as” Doesn’t she think I can handle it?” or “Doesn’t she think I’m willing to do something different so she can enjoy sex more?”
I’d also encourage you and your husband to take the time to explore what feels good to both of you – focusing on pleasure, not orgasm. Too often, couples tend to gauge the “success” of sex by whether one or both individuals experienced orgasm. As soon as someone develops this mind-set, it becomes more challenging to experience the pleasure and intimacy that most people are looking for in the first place. Also, keep in mind that your husband ejaculating doesn’t have to mean that sex is over or that you cannot have an orgasm. There are no rules about the order of sexual activity. Even after ejaculating, he could continue to stimulate you orally or in some other way you enjoy.
Given that you’ve found masturbating and your partner’s masturbating you to also be overly intense, it may be necessary to first better understand what is contributing to the intensity of feeling that interferes with your ability to reach orgasm.
A gynecologist (or nurse practitioner or physician assistant specializing in gynecology) can help you understand any physical factors and help you identify options for addressing them. A sex therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional with expertise in sexuality can help you explore emotional factors. They can also help you and your husband learn to better communicate about sex and explore new ways to enhance pleasure while decreasing your worries and concerns.
Best wishes,
Kelly Ace
Editor's note: Another possibility to consider. Sometimes women who are going to ejaculate along with their orgasm may have a feeling of over-intensity. Try relaxing into the intensity and riding those waves of intense pleasure and see what happens. Patricia Fawver, Ph.D.
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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