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Question:
Oral sex (mutual) is very important to me, but soon after we were married my wife unilaterally decided (without even talking with me about it)that we would no longer engage in oral sex on the grounds that it supposedly is unhealthful.
I am convinced that she is not correct, scientifically.
I feel like the butt of the old joke: "How do you get a woman to stop enjoying oral sex? Marry her."
She knew before we were married what I like, and I THOUGHT I knew what she liked, so I think she should be willing to meet half way at least. But she won't budge an inch.
Over the years, my resentment over this has built up substantially, and she still will not even discuss it no matter how tactful or clever I am in trying to bring up the subject in a non-threatening manner.
It seems to be no big deal to her, as a matter of sexual satisfaction, because she often becomes completely satisfied before I orgasm. She also often claims to be too sore to continue after she orgasms, at which point the rest is left to me, alone -- which, of course, makes it all the more frustrating to me that we do not avail ourselves of the oral sex alternative that not only would prevent soreness, but likely would provide us with more mutual satisfaction.
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: (06/01/2004)
Many married couples enjoy mutual oral sex, but on the other hand, orals sex can also be a very sensitive issue for many, as it is in your case.
Before I talk more about oral sex techniques, let me address one important point. You mentioned in your additional information that you experience delayed ejaculation. How long does it usually take you to reach orgasm in various situations? Could your wife’s resistance be related to the length of time she spends performing orals sex on you? Many women complain about that it is hard on their jaws to engage in oral sex for a prolonged period of time.
Other issues typically are: 1) Hygiene: Many men and women prefer oral sex following or during a mutual bath. 2) If the size of the penis puts a lot of stress on the partner’s jaw, it may help to only insert the tip of the penis into the mouth, while holding and stimulating the shaft of the penis manually. 3) Anything that touches the back of your throat will cause a gag reflex. Instead of inserting the whole penis into the mouth, she can suck the tip and/or the shaft, kiss, lick it. I can recommend the video Better Oral Sex Techniques, which is sold by Good Vibrations at www.GoodVibes.com (#VB-2398, $29.95 excluding shipping and handling). You can call them at 1-800-289-8423.
Since this seems to be affecting your relationship, you might benefit from seeing a sex therapist. You can contact The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org for information about how to locate a certified sex therapist near you.
Finally, with regard to health issues, HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases can be contracted through oral sex. It is important to use condoms in order to prevent transmission of diseases. This may be what your wife may be referring to when she mentions oral sex not being healthy.
Sincerely,
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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