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Question:
I am a 45-year old male who has never had a full sexual relationship. I am not a social inadequate. I have a Cambridge degree, a lot of friends and a good job as a freelance writer. I just feel strange, and slightly ridiculous, to be in this position at my age.
It's not a pressing problem because it's one I've had so long (25 years). It's felt more pressing somehow in the last few years. The onset of middle age, presumably.
I think some of it dates back to the rape of my mother when I was 13. I was the person who discovered her after she'd been raped. The person who raped her was more or less the same age as me. I do feel, however, quite strongly, that in more than thirty years I should have recovered from this shock. There must be other circumstances behind my rather ridiculous predicament.
I've been to psychologists and psychotherapists in the past and, although it's rather a relief to talk about oneself at great length without the other person switching off, it's never provided any long-term comfort. I've tried other online therapists and received no response. Any response, however useful or indeed useless, would be nice.
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Answer:
by Wendy Maltz: (05/17/2004)
I wonder if you adequately addressed the rape when you were counseling
with your past psychotherapists. That must have been very upsetting to
be an adolescent and find your mother after she had been raped by a
peer. I would imagine that kind of experience could leave a young male
being afraid to assert his own sexuality with a female. You might
benefit from exploring the differences between what your mother
experienced in the rape, and the type of sex you hope someday to
enjoy. Making love in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship is
very different from sexual abuse.
Though you say you are social, you may need to jump start or fine tune
your skills for creating an intimate relationship. Once you develop
emotional intimacy, build trust, and experience physical playfulness
with a partner you have a foundation for doing sexual healing work,
together.
Since your problem has been very long-standing, you will probably
benefit from approaching touch and sex in small steps with a partner.
The relearning touch exercises described in my book, The Sexual Healing
Journey, offer a program for slowly learning how to express respect and
caring with increasingly sexual touch.
At this point in your life inertia is likely your biggest obstacle.
You're used to a lack of emotional connection and sexual sharing. It
takes courage and faith to not give up on yourself. Sexual healing is
possible -- even when it comes later in life. However, keep in mind,
sexual recovery is not gonna come looking for you. You'll have to keep
at it -- with counseling, dating, and self-reflection -- until you make
it happen for yourself.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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