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Question:
I have a lack of desire with my husband whom I;ve been married to for 17 years. But I am confused because I have constant fantasies about women and I have for as long as I can remember. I had an experience with a girl in my teens, actually several experiences. But that was over 20 years ago and there have been no women since. At times I am attracted to my husband and enjoy sex with him but those times are few and far between. I know I want to experience a woman but the opportunity has never presented itself. I don't know what this makes me. I also was a virgin when I met my husband and I have never been with anyone else and think I may be bored. I know I am sorry I never experienced sex with anyone else, male or female. I'm confused about who I am. I would also like to be a better lover for my husband. If I can't stop thinking of women, am I bisexual even though I haven't really been with women. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this. My husband knows about the fantasies but thinks that is just all it is. He also knows my regrets about not sowing my "wild oats". He just wants me to be happy, sexually and does all he can to satisfy me. My guilt over my feelings for women and my lack of desire for him are hard to take. I really don't know what I am asking. I'm just confused.
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Answer:
by Blaise Parker: (06/21/2004)
Hi,
Your question is a very important one, and I want to congratulate you for taking a big step and looking for help. Obviously, I will not be able to give you all the help that you need here, but I hope I am able to point you in the right direction.
It is my deep-seated conviction that everyone should find his or her sexuality as a source of pleasure and joy. I would like to see this come about for you. I think there are a number of options before you.
First, you could go on as you are now. This is obviously a poor solution as it is not making you or your husband very happy.
Second, you could try to find someone else (man or woman) to have sex with, either with or without your husband's knowledge and consent. (Please note that I am not endorsing any one of these views, I am simply trying to lay out some of your options.) I do not know what your belief system is like, or whether you would be comfortable doing such a thing, but it is an option.
Although I will not tell you what is right or wrong for you, infidelity could end up being more trouble than it is worth. However, there are a number of adults who practice consensual open relationships. If you love your husband but want to experience sex with other people, ask yourself whether he would be open to trying something like this. I only suggest this because you don't seem to indicate that you want to LEAVE your husband... just that you want to have some other sexual experiences. If you're interested in this, one good resource to check out (see the link to the right) is the Polyamory Index. If you feel, on the other hand, that it would be morally wrong even with his acceptance, ignore this suggestion and keep reading. :)
Third, you could enlist the help of a professional. Your lack of desire for sex with your husband could stem from a number of things. There could be biological causes which your doctor might be able to help you find. There could be relational factors (other problems between you and your husband) that a couples therapist might be able to help with. If it is, for example, boredom, you might be able to find suggestions to help keep things interesting. Or, there could be interpersonal factors (something in your past, for example) that keeps you from enjoying sexuality. A psychotherapist or sex therapist might be able to help you with these issues.
You mention that you have had recurring fantasies about women. I noticed that you asked me: "am I bisexual even though I haven't really been with women?" That is certainly a possibility. If a heterosexual woman had never been with a man, would you think to question whether or not she was "really" heterosexual? Why should it be any different with women?
It is not for me to speculate on your sexual orientation. The fact that you have fantasies about women indicates to me that there is at least some possibility that you may be bisexual, but in the end, it is up to you to decide what label fits you best. You may find that the label changes over time, and that's ok too. If you have little or no attraction to ANY men, you may even want to think about whether you might be a lesbian. This culture seems to have a great deal invested in the idea that sexuality should be stable across the lifespan, but it isn't always, is it?
I suggest that a sex therapist, psychologist, or even a medical doctor would be very helpful to you at this stage. I would really love to see you have a happy and fulfilling sex life. You deserve it! :) You might also wish to look for Karol Jensen's book Lesbian Epiphanies: Women coming out in later life. I have heard that it is very good, and it discusses bisexuality as well as lesbianism.
Please let me know if I can be of any other assistance.
Good luck,
BlaiseReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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