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Question:
I have never been able to orgasm with a partner. When I masturbate, it takes a while for me to build up to orgasm, but once that happens, I am able to have dozens, with a short downtime between each. How can I reach orgasm with a partner and is my inability due to my use of vibrators? Am I less sensitive?
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: (06/05/2004)
First of all, you are only in your twenties, and there is a very good chance that you will eventually reach orgasm with a partner. The fact that you can reach orgasm by yourself is very important.
You gave me some important additional information: 1) "It is frustrating to me and my partners since they can't please me." Try not to think of orgasm as a goal that you have to reach in order to be "pleased." Enjoy what is going on between you and your boyfriend. The less you think about wanting to reach orgasm with him the more likely it is to happen.
2) "I'm afraid to let go. And I never think that it will actually happen, so maybe it doesn't. Plus, I am too embarrassed to demonstrate how I do it. I think it would freak my new boyfriend out if I demonstrated with a vibrator for vaginal stimulation and my hand for clitoral stimulation." Think positive. Of course it is going to happen! Why shouldn't you be able to reach orgasm with a partner if you can get dozens by yourself?
It is normal for many women to be embarrassed to show their partners how they masturbate. This is where your age comes into the picture. With time you may get more comfortable with yourself and in a partner's presence. Many men like to be shown and told what to do. How else would they know? Your partner may not at all be freaked out if you told him that you enjoy vaginal stimulation and at the same time clitoral stimulation. And you could use this information by trying to rub your clitoris while he is inside of you. This is how lots of women reach orgasm with a partner.
For your information, what you do with a vibrator and your hand is exactly what is demonstrated in a video called "Celebrating Orgasm" by Betty Dodson. The video helps women to reach orgasm through masturbation and it shows them to insert a sex toy into their vagina while rubbing the clitoris. Congratulations on having figured this one out yourself!
Don't be afraid of letting go. Fantasize while you masturbate that you are with your boyfriend, and practice letting go while by yourself. Allow yourself to really let go, and maybe even exaggerate your response a bit, all while you fantasize that you are with your partner.
3) "I am inexperienced with men." Take your time, and most of all don't rush it. Relax and enjoy your partnership and an orgasm will very likely creep up on you! Another important thing is to allow yourself enough time to build up your arousal. Spend lots of time on foreplay. You know that you need to build up to your orgasms during masturbation. The same is true when you are with a partner.
Finally, be sure to read all the info in our orgasm channel on www.SexualHealth.com. There are lots of good book references. But honestly, I do not even think you need those. You are doing great! One book, which puts things in perspective, is "Women's Sexualities. Generations of Women Share Intimate Secrets of Sexual Self-Acceptance" by Carol Rinkleib Ellison. Find the link on the right hand side of this page. She has a couple of good chapters on women's orgasms.
Best wishes,
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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