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Question:
I fear that a man I have fallen in love with may in fact be a masochist. As the relationship progressed, there have been subtle hints that lead me to believe this. I also feel that he struggles with these tendencies and attempts to isolate himself because of them. There are many fine qualities about this man, but I am not interested in this kind of activity.Is it a treatable mental condition? Is there a book you might suggest that would be in layman's language (non-clinical) so that I might discover if this is something we can deal with. I am at loss to find some solution to the problem and need at least a direction. Please do not just instruct me to find medical help. I really need to read about symptoms, causes, and cures (without explicit detail) before I really can approach someone about this. In addition, I need to know whether or not this is a situation that I can or want to deal with. I would like to save the relationship but recognize under these possibilities, this may not be realistic. Thank you for your advice and time.

Answer:
by Joy Davidson: (05/19/2004)
First, understand that your partner's desires are not "sick" or a sign of mental illness. It is unlikely that he needs to be cured. Millions of people regularly enjoy various types of "kinky" sex and sado-masochistic sex, and are perfectly healthy and happy. While this may not be your cup of tea, don't confuse it with illness. Often, a couple's deep desires conflict, and that is when it's important to ask yourself whether they are "deal breaker" issues or not. There are many books on BDSM that could be helful to you. You could start with "Different Loving" by Gloria Brahm and "When Someone You Love is Kinky" by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt. For a larger selection, do an Amazon or BN search under "BDSM" or Dominance and Submission and you'll find more for the layperson than you ever imagined. Good luck, Dr. Joy Davidson

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