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Question:
I am a 30 year old female whose partner of 10 years has had a major plunge in his sexual drive for the past year or so. We usually had intercourse twice a week, often on weekends since we both work but haven't had any for the past three months... He says there is nothing wrong with work or our relationship (stress, weight gain of 10 pounds on my part); we still are affectionate to each other but I am a little frustrated. He says he just doesn't feel like it. I have never masturbated but am very playful in bed and enjoy it. I have been insisting lately that I have needs but probably put unfair pressure on him but I don't know what to do. HELP...
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Answer:
by Robert Birch: (05/17/2004)
If it was a gradual decline in sexual interest over the 10 years of your relationship, we might attribute your husband's decreasing sex drive to the loss of novelty. Familiarity often breeds disinterest. If your husband's level of stress had increased dramatically, we could point to this as a likely contributor. But you describe your husband's level of desire as having dropped suddenly, but with no sudden increase in work stress. I assume we can rule out an affair.
Men have a tendency to define a sexual encounter as starting at point A, necessarily moving on to successful intercourse, and ending with the Big O (for self and partner). It's kind of like running the bases and, as in baseball, if he does not make it home, he did not really score. So, when you say to your hubby, "Let's play," he is likely to hear that as "Let's go all the way." Face to face meetings with a qualified sex therapist would probably be your best move. The therapist could help reinforce the idea (which I am sure you have already expressed) that it is fun just to play. Until your husband accepts that as a valid experience, he is likely to avoid allowing anything to start. One man asked me, "Why build a fire if you can't put it out?" It took him a while to understand that there is value in the intimate warmth of sexual play -- with or without intercourse, with or without orgasms. The paradox for men is that the less emphasis they place on scoring, the more likely it is they will enjoy running the bases and the more likely it will be that they make it home.
So, try to take the pressure off and engage him in play. (And it probably would not hurt for him to talk to his doctor about the drop in sexual desire if it has been as dramatic as you say.)
Good luck!
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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