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Great site by the way - lots of information. Unfortunately, not much on what is on my mind. My question(s)relates to typical, standard or normal patterns in sexual behaviour. I know there is often no such thing as typical or normal, and I suspect this is why I have such a hard time finding information on it. I have been married since 1992, and I was with my wife for 7 years before that. I love her dearly, nad I know she loves me. I need to address with her a growing problem; our apparent sexual incompatibility. Furhter, she seems to be of the opinion that the problem is mine, not hers. And having said that, I don;t want to be saying she has a problem either. It's just that she could easily go for months without sex without batting an eye. When we do have sex, it's a one event affair. I fondly remember spending several hours with my previous lovers and sessions involving 5 or more events (events being coming to orgasm). In all these years together a 2 event session would be a rare occasion indeed, and we've never sessions of 3 or more. When I suggest that I woudl like to find the time to try having a 'mega session' she smiles almost condescendingly 'boys will be boys' type thing. In her mind I get these ideas from too much internet porn, or from reading Penthouse letters (one of my favourite sources of fantasy). She rarely if never comes to me for it, and although she orgasms often enough (at least as far as I know), she never really seemed to desire it, at least not like I do. Sometimes I'm beside myself withe the need for release. I've tried simply not approaching her to see if the desire in her may build over time. A couple of tries at this approach that resulted in several months of no sex with no apparent side effects on her part have proven this approach to be innefective. She has told me she does not understand the necessecity for me to masturbate so often (to her knowledge 2 or 3 times a week, if only she knew!). I told her actually once that it was sometimes every day for some stretches of time, and it was apparent she didn't believe me. I remember one week we had 3 sessions 3 days in a row. She was telling her frinds later that week what an incredibly Hot week it had been.
I need to communicate with her in a fashion that will not be hurtful, and that will be beleiveable, that most people do it considerably more often, and generally have 2 or 3 events in a session (not always, but not never either). My need to communicate with her is growing more pressing as I'm finding that I am being conditioned by her and that my own libido is waning. Questions about whether I can face the rest of my life in this type of relationship have started to come up and so this needs to be addressed sooner than later. My word is not good enough. The simple fact that you guys are a web site may be enough for her to discount the information you provide, but I need any help you can provide. I need factual references, texts, comments or any fashion to communicate to her that I'm not just overly horny and that I have legitimate concerns that need to be addressed.
I hope you can help
Thanks again
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Answer:
by Konstance McCaffree: ()
You seem to be a very wise, insightful and caring man. I was really impressed by the sensitivity you expressed toward your wife's feelings about sex and not wanting to hurt her in any way.
I don't know if anything I say here will be of help to her directly, but I will try to answer your immediate concern. I don't know if you knew by my name, though I suspect so, that I am a female and that I might shed some light on this issue as a female as well as a sexual health expert.
The first thing you are experiencing is the wide difference in sexual needs that a person may have. This actually is not gender based as your wife may elude to in "boys will be boys". There are as many women and men who have the desire pattern that you have as there are men and women who have the desire pattern of your wife. It really is about desire, and when you look up information look it up under DESIRE for sexual pleasure. Though your wife may have orgasm and enjoy the sex when it happens, she doesn't have the desire very often. You, on the other hand, do. You aren't overly horny according to the desire patterns we know about; you aren't impacted by "too much" porn or sexual stimuli. That is just your desire level.
Now, after saying that, it doesn't mean that you are "doomed" for the rest of your lives in this pattern. I doubt very much if her pattern will increase to completely match yours and vice versa, but certainly it is worth working on.
I certainly would recommend that you engage in as much fantasy stimulation, masturbation that feels good and comfortable to you. I know that for many people that may be several times a day, not just a week. That much involvement for you wife would be way too much.
I do recommend that you look around for a good sex therapist or counselor who works with these issues. This is such a common issue within couples that many marital and relationship therapists deal with it. The reason I suggest going to someone at all is that sometimes it helps to talk about this with another person to help you direct your conversation to the issues.
It may be that your wife would be very content with little or no sex, but if she knew that you would really enjoy a little more (especially in the multiple episodes at one time) she may realize that with only a little change on her part, that caring about you as she does, she would love to share this with you.
I think many women have been educated by those around them that men are just horny and if a woman has those sexual needs she is a whore/slut. What we need to help everyone with, is that we all have a wide variety of sexual needs, and that sometimes we need to really pay attention to those needs in ourself and our partners to have a longterm relationship survive. So often we get caught (and I know that as a woman) in the busy - ness of every day life and sex just goes to the bottom of the list. I have way too much to do with family, work and enjoying my own personal time to worry about sex. So, maybe your wife does that too, and talking about how you can make very small adjustments to create a slightly improved sex life can help.Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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