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Question:
Hi Melissa Bee.
I have recently seperated from a 18 year marriage,i am 43 years old.My first sexual encounter with my now defacto resulted in a bad experience.She wanted sex but didnt at the time,she was molested as a child and demanded i just do it.I didnt like this as i am a caring lover.I did do it however as she lived a long distance from me and i wouldnt see her for some time.After an hour she wanted me to make love to her,and much to my dismay i couldnt maintain an errection,we fought and later made up by phone.This happened september last year.
I have moved to the same town in april of this year and live by myself.We were getting together at least twice a week for sex.Some days i could do it twice other times only once and we would argue as she thought all sorts of things.I have finaly got thru to her that sometimes i can only do it once and may rebound two hours later.I can do everything for her,yet she felt she could not turn me on.We fight and fight.I love this woman very much and couldnt bear the thought of life without her,and she is the same about me.What concerns me the most is that the last 3 weeks we are down to once a week and i cant even get an errection.I can when i am at her place but at that moment i know we cant have sex as the kids may drop in.
She can turn me on all day and i can have an errection most of that time,yet when she is in my bed at home i cant do it.I have tried things such as horny goat weed and so on but to no avail.I am going insane about this problem.I have seen a doctor about this and he advised i talk to her.I have tried and all i get is i will give you one more shot and thats it.We tried again last sunday and you guessed it i couldnt get it up.Earlier in the day i did when at her place.I beleive i have a serious problem in the mind.I need some sort of help,please advise if you can help me.I dont want to lose my darling over this.
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Answer:
by Melissa BEE: (07/02/2004)
Hello, Thank you for your question.
The best suggestion I make is that you take yourselves off to see a sex therapist or counsellor - as a COUPLE. There are many overlapping issues here - for you both - of communication, understanding, expectations as well as the rebound emotional guilt affecting erection and ecouraging impotence and performance anxiety. A counsellor can assist you both to work through these issues, to learn tactics and change the way you appoach lovemaking, for a much happier short and long-term outcome.
Look in the telephone book for 'Relationships Australia' for a start.
Good Luck, Melissa BEE
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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