I'm glad you wrote me back and found my former advice helpful!

So it sounds like now you are actually interested in trying this fantasy out, but you're feeling a little nervous about the presence of another woman.

Here's what I think. You don't tell me how long you and your boyfriend have been together, but I realize it is a long distance relationship and it sounds like you haven't had a chance to have sex with him yet.

There is no reason that you need to rush the decision to have a threesome with your boyfriend. In fact, I think it would be a good thing if you were able to enjoy him some on your own before you try to bring another person in. It will probably add to your comfort level and security once you've had a chance to have sex with him and to see how you feel about things after that.

I understand your feelings. It's scary to imagine another woman with your boyfriend, and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that and telling your boyfriend about your fears. In my opinion, he should respect those fears and not try to talk you into doing anything you're not comfortable with.

Although it is widely held that the USA is well known for its liberal attitudes towards sex (and that may or may not be true, as we are liberal about some things and conservative about others) that does not mean that all women here in America participate in threesomes or have a lot of casual sex. You say that you need to be in love to want to have sex with someone. A lot of American women feel the same way.

I get the sense that you are afraid this other woman might try to take your boyfriend away from you. I would say that the best way to alleviate those fears would be to meet her and to get to know her. There is no way for you to know how she feels about your boyfriend and yourself until you do, and if that is what you need to feel comfortable in a sexual situation with her, there is nothing wrong with asking for it. It is certainly possible that this woman doesn't feel any sort of emotional attachment to your boyfriend and that she just wants to fulfill a fantasy of hers, too. But without knowing her, you can't be sure of that.

You might find this page helpful for giving you some things to think about. It's about jealousy in open relationships (relationships where the partner has permission to date and/or sleep with other people). I realize you are not in an open relationship with your boyfriend, but it raises some good points anyway.

I think it is easy to feel when you have a willing participant for a threesome that you have to do it right away or you'll lose your opportunity. However, like anything in a relationship, I think it is better to take the time and make sure it's right before you rush into anything. If you're not fully sure that you want to do this, it could cause resentment and anger to spring up in the relationship. That may mean passing up on this opportunity, but that doesn't necessarily mean you won't find someone else to fulfill the fantasy down the road somewhere. And really, if this woman wants to be friends with you both and to continue a relationship with you, she should also be understanding about your feelings.

I know it is a difficult decision to make, and I wish you the best of luck!

Best wishes,
Blaise

Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team