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Question:
I am a 41 year old female who, while visiting my
paramour in another state, innocently found 3 copies o "sample bondage contracts" and several other disconcerting items. Although we've discussed this and he has told me that he has a curiosity and fascination for this realm, I still feel as though my trust in him has been violated. These contracts were printed out just a few days prior to my visit with him. The whole thing leaves me feeling exploited and a fool. There is nagging doubt in my heart and mind now, and I am curious if this is justified given the
situation?
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Answer:
by Joy Davidson: ()
Based upon your description of events, your friend’s behavior doesn’t seem suspicious to me. Possessing sample bondage contracts is indicative of his curiosity, not his bad faith. In fact, it's quite natural that someone wishing to learn more about BDSM would partake of the internet’s prolific offerings. You merely stumbled upon concrete “evidence” of an interest you already knew existed.
I do wonder, however, whether his focus on this dimension of erotic experience is what actually disturbs you. Perhaps you don’t share his fascination, or are afraid to explore along with him. Perhaps your deeper worry is that in time he will seek others who are more compatible. If so, your concern is understandable. However, I urge you to face it squarely and avoid thinking like a victim in this situation. Invoking language like “violated” and “exploited” reinforces an exaggerated sense of vulnerability or impotence. Instead, remind yourself of the power you have in this relationship and in your life. Stand up tall and ask your partner for what you need from him without attacking him or making accusations. And most importantly, express your own fears truthfully and completely so that the two of you can talk about them together.
One last point: I have the feeling that you both need greater clarity about where you stand with each other -- now and in the foreseeable future. Since you’re carrying on a long distance relationship, it’s especially important that you make and keep concrete agreements about how you’ll operate romantically and sexually when you’re apart.
Consider only those arrangements you can both enter into willingly, with an open heart and mind. A forced agreement is made to be broken.
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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