The problem is that if we were to allow this to happen, she feels as if it is cheating on me, and she is afraid that she would fall for the other guy. She says that it could not just happen, she would have to know the guy somewhat first.

This is a very consuming desire for me at times, which I was embarrassed about in the past. I would like to see this happen, or have knowledge that it has happened. She feels as though she may be violating our vows. I do not agree.

Should we pursue this? If we agree on this type of fun, is it wrong?

On the surface, a mutual agreement between you and your wife that this fantasy is not considered cheating would seem like a necessary stipulation. However, one problem with this agreement is the long-term feelings of guilt that your wife may experience down the road. If you both decide to go ahead with it make sure that the channels of communication remain open so that you both can check in periodically with regard to your feelings.

Next, is the issue of finding an appropriate person to be a part of the fantasy. Would you both seek out the person together? Would the person know you were watching, or would you prefer to be in hiding, watching secretly? There is some risk to bringing home some stranger, as people are not always who they present themselves to be. Would you bring them to your home, or a hotel room? If you decide it needs to be someone either of you know, will you be comfortable seeing this person in the course of your life? And related to risk, is the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases.

If you do decide to follow through on your fantasy, it is recommended to use safer sex practices with oral, vaginal or anal sex. Many couples engage in these types of fantasies and are able to negotiate boundaries and feelings over time. Others have difficulty managing feelings and do not anticipate having certain feelings emerge during or after partaking in sexual behaviors involving other people. Will your fantasies end with this, should you decide to indulge in it, or might you decide that you feel the need for another fantasy, once this one has been fulfilled? For some people, this can become a slippery slope, for others, it is a negotiated behavior that is fulfilling to both parties as long as the boundaries and respect of one another are maintained. I would not say that the fantasy is "wrong or right," for that is putting a value judgment on personal decisions. I just caution you to think through the possible scenarios, continue to communicate with each other through the process and do what feels right for both of you. You also may want to seek out other couples who have engaged in similar activities in order to gain additional perspective before making a decision. Good luck and have fun whatever you decide.

Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS