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Question:
In my previous relationship of six years I had lots of sex. My partner like to use dildos and she like being eaten out, she liked anal sex. I am in a new relationship now and we decided to start having sex. But, she tells me that I make her feel like a slut when I want to eat her out or do anything kinky. I used to watch pornos and have sex and she doesn't want that on either. She plays with me and sucks me and then when I ask her to let me eat her while she is sucking me she says no! Then I get soft because she tells me no... I feel bad and I lose my erection... In the meantime, I think about being with her 24/7 and having sex with her day and night. But when we get together it starts off good and then she says are you ready and by the time I get up to enter her I start getting soft. What has worked is when she is done sucking me she gets on top while I am still hard and then we are fine.
Can you help me?
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Answer:
by Melissa BEE: (06/02/2004)
Perhaps in this new relationship, she feels you are being too pushy. You have the expectation that she will and won't do certain things (as this pattern was what you were accustomed to for six years in your previous relationship) but this is a new partner and new relationship, and it sounds like she feels (at times) to be out of her comfort zone. So when she is uncomfortable and resists, you interpret this as rejection and are turned off, both emotionally and physically. This pattern could continue to exacerbate if you don't do something soon to improve the communication lines between you, and help each other to have your sexual needs met.
My suggestion is to allow her to take more initiative. She pleasures you, and you have said she expresses that she wants to satisfy you, so don't be so insistent that you give her cunnilingus, if she really doesn't want it. Or if you do, try a different approach, be very gentle, very soft, use less pressure - she may not like it and have only been tolerating it up to that point, and now doesn't want to do it, or you may be too rough and hurt her and she doesn't want to say so, for fear of hurting your feelings. If shes performing fellatio on you, and you really want to do a '69' just stroke her gently with a well lubricated finger instead, and ask her if you can lick, or just softly kiss her vulva - allow her to say no if she doesn't want to. Try not to becoming turned off by her refusal, respect her wishes and keep touching and stroking her body, and stimulating her and tell yourself how pleasurable touching her is, and her touching you is, and your erection will stay hard. If you find you are losing your erection from positioning, then you may need to speak to your doctor about a likely back problem, but it sounds more of a psychological problem, so give these suggestions a go, and if you need further assistance, don't hesitate to go and see your doctor.
Please feel free to ask any further questions, and thank you for coming to The Sexual Health Network
Melissa BEE
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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