Answer:
by Larry Siegel: (07/02/2004)
Thanks for writing in with your concerns. This is an important issue that is also loaded with controversy. I sincerely hope there has been some type of intervention with your brother about this behavior. While I don't favor punishment, helping him learn about appropriate and inappropriate touch is extremely important. His emerging sexuality is probably more at stake than that of the 3 year old. That said, I will give you my opinion about the other boy's behavior. Because he is so young, it is not really possible for him to understand that what was "ok" in one situation may not be ok in another. There are alot of developmentally normal expressions of sexuality that are seen in young children. Ordinarily, touching his genitals in front of you would be one of those. However, since there was more attached to that behavior than exploring his own body or relieveing stress by stimulating himself genitally, he may have learned that this is acceptible behavior to share with another person. It is important that he also be taught about appropriate and inappropriate touch and, as importantly, what is appropriate public vs. private behavior. The trick is to teach him that while not shaming him or making him feel anything negative about his body.
Now here's where the real controversy begins: even though the little boy was indeed molested by your brother, there is very little chance that anything negative will result. The majority of sexual abuse and molestation (not involving violence or pain) does not adversly affect children or their lives. What often does more damage than the abuse is the rush to lable the child a victim and treat him like damaged goods. Children are incredibly resilient and most often get through this without any problem. Teaching him about his body, boundaries, and fostering a healthy sense of self and sexuality are what he needs. It is certainly possible that he may "feel on himself in public" but dealing with it calmly and rationally, without making a big deal of it, will help him grow out of it. Please keep in mind that it would be normal behavior for him if he were NOT molested. He may just need to unlearn that it was ok to do and learn to not allow anyone else (except Mom and a doctor, perhaps) to touch his "private areas." Again, dealing with the entire situation calmly and rationally, and not making it a traumatic issue, will best serve your brother, the little boy, and both your families.
I wish you all the best in moving forward with this. Please feel free to write in again if there are other ways we can help. Take care and be well.
Larry SiegelReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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