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Question:
I'm a 32-year-old hetero male with Asperger's Syndrome. I've never had a
girlfriend (or lover in any sense of the word -- I'm a virgin), and have never
really come close to doing so. I just don't know how it's done; love just isn't
something that happens to me. I'm intelligent, interesting, funny, in-shape,
fairly good looking, but I've never had romantic companionship
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Answer:
by Melissa BEE: (05/29/2004)
Hi There and sorry about the delay in getting back to you, we are in the midst of Easter School Holidays here in Australia at present.
Thank you for your question, and my first thought is to reassure you that you most definitely are not alone, but from what you describe you need a whole lot more than simple reassurance. Realizing also that I'm a world away from you and cannot see you, to judge your behaviour and identify anything you may be doing 'wrong' is an impossibility from this end. Which doesn't mean it's impossible to work though those issues, you just need to find the right SORT of therapist, who can break down behaviour you identify as non-productive and change it, until you start getting some more positive results. Changing behaviour is not easy. That is *IF* that is what the problem is.
Also as you've outlined from the advice you have been given in the past, there is no simple answer, no easy solution, no 'one-size-fits-all' and your dilemma consists of a number of overlapping things. What I am going to do is separate the overlap, and hope by doing so, that gives you some more insight. I cannot change your luck or wave any magic wand or motivate you into seeing a therapist or taking risks to make new and different types of friends. You will have to look to inner strength for that.
Firstly, I wonder how much of your dilemma is affected by your AS, and how much is quite normal - meaning are you doing all the 'right moves' but getting nowhere (so its bad luck, or the 'nice-guy syndrome), or you having SOME modicum of success, but not enough to be able to establish the sort of relationship you want, therefore you perceive all and any advances not resulting in a date or further dates as being a failure?
I also wonder about the effects on you by environment (where you are, how you live, the sorts of places you go). For a lot of guys, they may be the sweetest guys in the world but you won't find a nice girl who is looking for a long term relationship in a dark, sweaty nightclub, if that's the only place you look. It is often advised, and I'm sure you have already been told this, is that starting with friendship is a good way to build rapport, and work towards building a relationship. You've probably been advised to look at classes, hobby groups, sporting clubs, places where both genders mix and mingle, in order to meet people. Education type classes are not the most ideal, to mix and mingle with singles, they tend to contain mostly married or older people. I personally recommend things like Ball Room Dancing or even a social group that may like to do things like go to dinner, go to the movies go bush walking or trivia nights a good way to start mixing with groups of people. There are social groups specifically for singles, many in the telephone book, and hundreds on the web.
Once you get to know a girl well enough, there will come a point where one or both of you may wish to take the friendship onto another level - and this =could be= where you are getting "stuck". It is possible she may physically give you a come-on and you miss it. Girls often expect boys to almost be a mind reader, and expect boys to 'know what to do' when the reality is, boys want girls to TELL them what they are and are not 'allowed' to touch. Intimacy would be much easier if everyone could express honestly how we all felt and what we desired. But people don't. They drop hints, and expect others to pick up on sexual innuendo, flirting and sexy looks. So that means, that the boy then needs to be sure that this girl who is being all sexy with him really does want to be intimate with him - as her messages suggest (and not just flirting and playing games). To go ahead and be intimate with her when thats not what she wants, can be misconstrued, and can even be considered a criminal offence in some places.
The only way to find out is to ask, tactfully of course. I wouldn't recommend anything as blatant, do you want to come and have sex with me? But you could invite her back to your place for coffee, and if she accepts, then after coffee you could ask if you could kiss her. If she says no, gets embarrassed and leaves quickly, you'll know she was only flirting. If you don't have a place, you could ask her for a walk in the park, and again ask for a kiss. Ask before you touch her for the first time.
Just take it slow, and always ask. If she says no, you have to respect her wishes of course. I've had boys just stare at me and say "I'd like to kiss you!" as if they are waiting for permission, so then I might have said "Well, what's stopping you?" For some girls sex on the first date is a big no-no, for others, they are more open minded and don't care, and others whose culture and religion dictates that they will never have sex before marriage.
But I personally recommend good manners and chivalry, and think that its best to wait, and make sure your advances are welcomed. Once you've got past the kissing stage, most couples (irrespective of gender) like to touch and fondle, so before you touch anything below her neck, you could ask "may I kiss/touch your breasts?" If she gives you the green light, then go right ahead! If she says no, then she will at least respect you for having asked. Naturally, fondling can lead to other things, so just take your time and proceed at a pace you are both comfortable with. Ensure you have fresh condoms and always practise safe sex.
You may strike out, so try again with somebody else. Eventually you will have some success. This problem is not unique to ASD folk, its also a common problem for 'nice guys' who seek a particular kind of girl, finding the right kind is not impossible, but it certainly isn't easy. Nobody is really sure whether its better to keep trying as persistence eventually pays, -- but the opposite can be true -- as soon as you stop searching, a nice girl just comes along. Both methods can work, but not at the same time, and a dash of good luck and being in the right place at the right time can help as well!
Good Luck!
Please feel free to ask any further questions, and thank you for coming to The Sexual Health Network
Melissa BEEReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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